Welcome to Dumpsville...

Well the weekend is over and it's back to work, back to work, work, work, work, work.

I had a pretty good weekend, I went out on Friday night, and Saturday night. Hung with friends, played games and watch Fantastic Four. It wasn't a great movie, it was alright, but not Fantastic. I haven't talked to the wife since Thursday, so maybe I should give her a call tonight.

The most exciting events of the weekend took place on Sunday, where I was walking the dog I got to see two baby deer bounding through the field. Very cool.

But the most exciting event was when I was walking the dog around 11:00 last night, which I usually do most evenings. His final walk before bed, plus I usually take him for a pretty good walk because during the day it's pretty hot and he get's overheated fairly quickly. So, we're walking along minding our own business when we notice a couple chatting by their car. Well the girl was in the back seat and the guy was standing beside the car, and I'm sure I heard her cry and sniffle a bit.

Now this couple I've seen around the complex quite a bit in the last month or so, not too mention that they were having very regular, very loud, very exciting sex. Note to readers, if you don't want people to hear you having sex and you live in an apartment complex, close your window, if you don't care, let others enjoy. Depending on how well your complex is built closing your windows will help muffle the sounds a little. Anyway, they were fairly happy and constantly giggly and just plain lusting after each other.

I'll be honest, I was a little jealous, I would love for my relationship to be happy, giggly and to have us both lusting after each other, but things change and I understand that. I'm starting to understand a lot of things. Anyway, I'm continuing to digress.

So, there they were chatting by her car, and I couldn't over hear what was being said, but I would occasionally pick up a sob. At this point, I was sure he must be breaking up with her. If her pet had died, or parent/grandparent/close friend etc. had died or any number of numerous sad events that could take place in a persons life had occurred, they would have just conversed in his apartment. But they talked outside for a long time, must have been an hour. I didn't stay that long outside with the dog, but I could sort of see them from my apartment and I continued to watch. I felt bad for her, I had no idea, what had happened or why they were breaking up, but I'm pretty sure it was him breaking up with her. That seemed to make the most sense under the circumstances. They are both young (college age) so breaking up is not that uncommon, but I still felt bad for her.

Although I couldn't hear what was going on, I could only imagine, that she didn't understand, why he was breaking up with her. What did she do? Could she change his mind? I bet that she begged and pleaded her love for him, and he just said something lame and she continued to cry and to beg and continued to not understand. Her heart had been unknowingly broken.

Now I don't know that those are the circumstances that took place, but I could guess, only because I've been there. Not on the recieving side, but I had to be the one to break a long relationship and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Everything else I've ever done in my life was simple, compared to breaking the heart of someone that loves and trusts you. It had to be done, but that didn't make it any easier. I was the asshole, that made up the lame excuses, while she cried and begged and pleaded. Not knowing why I was causing her such pain. I was the ass who did what had to be done, or did it?

You see I was in a relationship with someone for 8 years. Almost entirely throughout my University and Graduate degrees. At no point could I ever see myself married to this person, yet I stayed in the relationship, because it was easy, it was comfortable. She was unstable, she would have emotional breakdowns on a regular basis, she would obsese over the strangest littlest things, until she would cry and worry and stress over things so small, so minute. Four years in I broke up with her, it was hard, she cried and begged and pleaded, but for almost two months I was single and free. She would keep calling, and I would keep feeling guilty and then I made the one of the biggest mistakes of my life, I went back. It was so easy to go back, so comfortable. Much easier than moving forward alone and another three years went by and I finished grad school, and I didn't want to move on yet.

I don't know what it was that was keeping me there. Was it laziness, lack of motivation. I don't know the cause, but I finished grad school and I decided to T.A for the next year. I only had a couple of sections in the first semester, so I was actually making less money than when I was a grad student, which let me tell you is not a lot of money. But, I lucked out. One of the lab assitants injured themselves badly and wouldn't be able to return to work until the next semester. I took over her duties and suddenly I was starting to make some real money. Well relatively speaking going from $1500 Canadian a month to $4000 was rather significant. The next semester I started bringing in 5000K a month.

It was only luck though, each semester I would have to luck out to get the right number of sessions to keep the pay up and that depended on funding, how many grad students, and how many other lifelong T.A's there were. I need to move on, I needed to find work in my field. I didn't want to be the 50 year old T.A. that all the grad students make fun of.

But, I knew that if I moved on I would probably have to move to the states and I knew that my girlfriend at the time wouldn't move if I didn't marry her. I knew that I couldn't marry her and I knew that moving so far away from her family would destroy her. She couldn't handle it, I knew that she wouldn't be able to.

So I broke up with her, and I broke her heart and I made her cry and I made her hate me. I tried to cut contact from her because I knew that I was weak and that I could be emotionally blackmailed. I was the ass that broke a young womens heart, I hope that things are going well for her. I hope that she finds/found someone that can love her as much as she loved me. I regret causing her so much pain, I should have left the first time and stayed gone, it would have been much easier on everyone. I was a coward, but I have learned from my mistakes. Or at least I hope I have.