Communication

Okay, so things are going good. We get to San Diego and the first month there is great, we're having a good time, we're in temporary housing. Our search for an apartment isn't too long and were definatetly still having sex. I remember some very hot times in the temporary housing, one time after a trip to Disneyland, we decided to take a dip in the hot tub because it was basically just outside our door (I'll be honest the one thing I miss about San Diego is the Hot tubs, sigh). Now the hot tub isn't completely private, on one side there are apartments and on the other side is a street, there is a fence, but you can see through it. So we start getting a little frisky and then the next thing I know my bathing suit is down and she's straddling me in the hot tub. Wow. Anyway, things were good, there was even a strip tease and a lap dance in there, something that was just amazing.

Anyway, this is what I suspect happened.

Now, I've never had a good relationship with my parents and I'm sure a lot of my problems with communication have a lot to do with my upbringing and seeing my parents relationships. Throw in the fact that I'm male and well, let's just say my communications skills suck the big one. See my learned behavior is to not tell my parents anything. This is mainly because no matter what it is that I've done, it's always wrong to them, or in some way I have slighted them. So, over time I guess I learned just to tell them nothing of my life and just nod and smile when they are talking to me. Not very healthy I know.

Now, my wife just couldn't fathom this. She couldn't understand why I didn't tell my parents things. She and her mother communicated all the time. However, my wife would eventually come to understand why I dealt with my parents the way I did, but that happens a little later.

Here's a few examples of things my parents have done:

I was in University finishing off my Bachelor's degree in Chemistry and living at home at the same time. At this point, I had a girlfriend (I'll tell you more about her later) and I spent a lot of time with her at her place. Mainly because I hated being home. This pissed my mother off. Well something I did at some point pissed her off so she kicked me out of the house, at which point I moved in with the girlfriends family, which then pissed my mother off even more (go figure). She then begged me to come back, but I said no and then she got mad at my girlfriends mother for taking me in. Ack! Anyway, I only spent a month at the girlfriends, just enough time to wrangle up some roomates and strike it out on my own. It was about time I left the nest, but it was really much cheaper living at home and going to school.

I was a horrible child. I always did well in school, never did drugs, never really drank, didn't really hang out with the wrong crowd. Went off to University and continued to do well. Finished my Bachelors degree and then my Masters with very little help from my parents (ie. I'm still paying for my education). Yet it was never enough.

Here's another example:

I got the job offer in San Diego, the money was decent, my now wife was ecstatic and wanted me to go tell my parents. So, we stopped by and I told them.

Me: So I got a job offer in San Diego at a major pharmaceutical company

What you expect from your parents.

Expect: Wow, congratulations!

What my parents said.

Mother: It's really expensive there isn't it.....filled with many other negative comments, asking if my now wife was going with me in a very negative tone, for which we hadn't decided yet.

Anyway, that's just my typical Mother. My father on the other hand is quiet, unless he's been drinking a lot (Which is often, because he's an alcoholic) didn't really say anything, just looked at me in a negative way.

Ah well fuck them, I was happy, I had a good job offer, for good money (more than any previous grad before me) and a woman that I was madly in love with.



ANYWAY, to get back on track. My mother and my wife didn't really get along. My mother was a huge bitch and my wife is as stubborn as hell. She blames me, because I keep things from my mother. Rightly so because I did.

I guess I should mention that I told my parents that I was moving in with a roomate in Calgary and forgot to mention that I was dating her. My fault and the wrong way to build a relationship between my Wife and Mother. But honestly I thought it was for the best at the time. I did tell her later that we were dating, but the damage was done.

Anyway, my wife figured that if I just kept communicating with my mother and telling her things, that everything would work out. Now I can't remember exactly what happened, but at some point I was talking to my mother about my wife. In the end my wife felt that I didn't stick up for her, and she felt betrayed. I wish I could remember exactly what happened because I believe this is the point where things in our relationship took a turn for the worse. See the problem was that we didn't solve the issue at that point, and things just continued to build up from there and well our sexual relationship took a turn for the worse.

See the sex stopped, and all my attempts to start it back up met with dismal failure. My wife had no interest in me sexually because she felt betrayed. Whether, or not this was the case, it was how she felt and it was something that we should have dealt with at the time. Plus, she was starting to become depressed because us both being Canadians, and me the only one with a Visa, she couldn't work. At the begining it was great because she could sleep in, but soon she became bored and depressed. So all of these factors spelled the end of my sex life. :(

I didn't understand why, I was still very attracted to her and wanted to have sexual relations with her all the time, but she wanted none of it. Eventually it came to a point where she wanted absolutely nothing to do with sex, and that the mere mention of it became a negative thing to her. Sex, became a hot topic, one we fought about a lot. One where, even if we did have sex it wasn't that great because she wasn't actually into it, it was like she was finally giving in because I beat her down with pressure.

This went on for a while I think at least a year or more, and I think eventually we finally sat back and examined our relationship. I needed to stop pressuring her about sex (which I didn't believe was pressure but actual desire) and work on other factors in our relationship and she needed to stop resenting em and work on our relationship as well.

Now I'll talk in more depth later, about what I did to stop pressuring her about sex, but we managed to start ourselves back onto a path of fun, playfullness and intamacy and things were good again both in and out of the bedroom. That is until about 8 months ago, but I'll leave that for another time.

Wow I really rambled on here, sorry about that.