Communication Part II

Alrighty, so as I was saying earlier, last year things started getting better. Things were all roses and smiles, and much sex was had by all. But alas, happiness cannot last forever, can it?

Things were going great, my wife had started writing, and taking it very seriously. She was sending out short stories to magazines, and writing articles for other magazines, I was incredibly happy, she was happy, our dog was happy, we were one happy little family. Things were great and the sex was great, but then it all came to a crashing halt when....

She found my collection of downloaded porn.

See, I knew that she wasn't fond of porn, but the one thing that bothered her the most was that I would pressure her into having sex. Again, I never viewed anything that I did as pressure, but that's beside the point. So, I was to not mention/pressure her into sex. So, to take my mind off of sex I started to build up a little porn collection on my computer. I did it in my free time, and it was something for me and me alone. I wasn't addicted to it. I didn't need it. But it was definately something that helped keep me from pressuring her into having sex. Now I was a fairly lazy collector, I pretty much just downloaded anything that I had a good connection too, which of course led me to having a lot of porn variety from VERY hardcore to softcore. Again, I don't think there is anything wrong with me enjoying a little porn now and then in my private time.

Anyway, so she found my collection and our world collapsed. She had viewed some of the files and was disgusted by some of the stuff that she saw. Thinking that I wanted to do those things to her. Which I'll be honest I don't, I have no desire to urinate on someone, or dominate someone or humilate anyone in any way. I did have some of that porn, but that was more because I did mass downloadings and I just didn't delete everything.

Well we had a huge fight. She accused me of lying to her, which was true, because there was a time where she asked me point blank earlier if I was downloading porn and I said no and I was. But, the reason that I lied was because I believed that using porn was something that was to be kept private, something that was mine, not something that was shared. I've been using porn since I was a teenager, and I've always hid that fact from everyone. Probably because it's embarassing and not something you generally discuss.

So, once again she felt betrayed, and she also felt very self concious. She felt that she couldn't compete with the people on the screen. What she doesn't realize, is that she doesn't have to compete with the people on the screen. I couldn't ever make her understand that or understand the reason I use porn.

We fought for a very long time, she actually said she would have prefered if I cheated on her. This totally blew my mind. I couldn't even comprehend it, I still can't to this day. I would have never lumped porn into the same category as cheating, not even close. I tried to explain, but she wouldn't listen, she was hurt, she felt betrayed.

Our life which was going so well, came to a sudden crashing halt. The funny thing is, I was considering deleting the collection, as I had no real need for it anymore seeing that our sex life had been kicked into gear. Strange how life goes.

For two weeks, she wouldn't even let me see her naked. This is my wife who wanders around naked all the time. Desperate for answers, I searched out on womans message boards to see what they had to say about porn and this is what I learned:

• Many women are offended by porn, and it seems to be a subject that has ruined a lot of marriages, usually because the husband is addicted to it.
• Some women are O.K. with it.
• Some women like it and enjoy it.

So after several weeks of living in a horrible relationship, we finally came to a comprimise. My use of porn greatly offended her. I promised not to use porn again, it was not so important to me as to destroy our relationship.

This was nine months ago, and I haven't downloaded or sought out any porn since. I have been tempted from time to time but I have held strong. Does she believe that I haven't, probably not, she still doesn't trust me. But now I'm doing everything in my power to build back up that trust. Boy has it been a long and exhausting road, and this last weekend was definately a step in the wrong direction.