Arggh!

Blogger is pissing me off, two days, two lost posts.

ARGH!!!!

The Final Day

So, this is it. This is my last day of Bachelorhood. I survived 6 weeks without my wife, she's coming home tomorrow afternoon. Right now I should be cleaning, but I'm having a hard time getting to it. I have started a bit but I have a long way to go before the house is ready for her return. I also need to head out and buy a few things from the store, like flowers and gifts and food. I'm so looking forward to her return.

The funniest thing is that she's been away for so long and I just kept myself busy for the last 5 weeks doing things, working hard at work, avoiding thinking and over analyzing things. But, yesterday it all came to the surface. All my fears, my doubts, my concerns, my worries. For 5 weeks I was able to stuff them down somewhere deep inside and make it through the time, but yesterday they decided to force themselves free.

What brought it all about was I was investigating the workshop she was attending a little further to find and read stories of broken marriages, broken relationships and hook-ups a far. But, that didn't really concern me, or so I thought. Why would she stray, but then why does anyone stray? These thoughts plagued me throughout the day, but what I think my major concern was. How much will she have changed? Will she still look at me in the same way? Will she still love me?

Why do these thoughts plague me so? It really shouldn't be a concern, but I couldn't shake them, they ruined my day and my night.

Today is different though. I think I realized that stressing myself out about things beyond my control is a waste of my energy. I know that this workshop will have changed her in some way, but I'm sure I have too. I know that the past 6 weeks have given me a chance to think about our life and our future. About our relationship, about our past, about a great many things.

I can't wait for her to get home so that I can hug her and hold her and hear all about her workshop, and see how's she's grown and changed. I look forward to it and I can't wait for tomorrow to arrive.

But in the meantime I have a whole Hellava lot a cleaning to do. Does any know the number of a good cleaning service?

Late Night of Loneliness

Well I'm feeling kind of lonely today, but I'm not really sure why. Funny how that is now that it's only 3 more days until I see my wife again. I talked to her this evening breifly. She asked if she could come home a day earlier, well it would work out to be 12 hours earlier. I think that she's not enjoying her last days at the workshop, I think people are getting at each others throats. She won't really tell me what's going on though, keeps saying she'll tell me when she gets back, I guess I'll have to wait. She decided that it wouldn't really be worth it to pay an extra 100 bucks to get home 12 hours earlier. So, I'll see her on Sunday.

So, tonight I took the dog for a walk, as I always do and because of the heat and humidity I usually take him for a long walk at night. So, tonight while I was walking the dog, I just happened to look down at the sidewalk to see illuminated by the street light a large black blob. I was about to look away, when I noticed that it was moving. I being the uber geek that I am, I had to take a closer look. Sure enough it was a huge mass of ants, writhing in a big pile. I couldn't really tell what they were doing but the mass extened from the sidewalk onto the lawn and the best way to describe it is as a large black pulsating mass. I have never seen such a mass of ants before in my life. Sure, I've seen the ant superhiway, and a collection of ants poring over the caracass of an animal or insect, but I've never seen anything quite like this before. I wonder if it was some huge ant territorial battle or something like that. The only reason, I'm mentioning anything about the ants is that I realized that by seeing this mass colony at work and enjoying the show for a few minutes, I knew that I had nobody to go home and tell the story too. See, my wife probably doesn't share my interest in stupid things like ants etc. but she would have totally understood my fascination with them.

Okay, so I'm an uber-geek. I believe I've mentioned that before. But, I think I've come to realize a few things about my relationship with my wife that I didn't even know existed. I'm not exactly sure how to explain it. It's not that I take her for granted or anything (or at least I don't think I do), I think I've just had sort of an epiphany. Weird.

Anyway, the other thing that happened while I was taking the dog for a walk was that we ran into a woman whom we'ver run into on a few occasions on our late night walks. I can't remember her name now, she introduced herself last time we ran into her. She just loves animals, and loves getting to hang out with Sammi (I mean who wouldn't look at that face). Anyway, Sammi has only met her a few times but he knows a sucker when he sees one and any time we see her even from a distance, Sammi get's all excited and bolts towards her. We didn't end up chatting with her long tonight she was tired, but definately happy to see Sammi. She would like a pet of her own, but right now she's living in a No-Pet appartment in our complex and her boyfriend/husband is allergic. However, Sammi, being a sexy Shiba Inu is fairly non-allergenic. Which is fairly cool for a dog that looks like a dog. :) Anyway, she's a very nice and friendly person, and cute. I mean she's not drop dead gorgeous, but what she looks, she more than makes up for in personallity. Sammi thinks she's one hot bitch. :)

Anyway, even though I'm married, I still definately find people attractive. The sad thing really is that since my wifes been gone for so long, people at work are starting to look REAL good, which is really odd because I work in a Chemistry lab and let me just be the first to inform you that for the most part, attractive women don't choose to do Organic Chemsitry as a Career. I should have so gone into genetics like the orginal plan then I would have a lot more eye candy. As it stands I'm starting to find several of the women at work more and more attractive. I hope my wife get's home before I start finding the guys at work attractive. :)

Anyway, once again, I've rambled on about nothing. It's time for me to retire, I have to get up tomorrow, and this weekend I have a whole lot of cleaning to do. :)

Later!

Update

Alright, so it's been a hectic and horrible week. But I thought I'd give you guys a quick update.

I told my wife that night. I contemplated it, and I figured, I really had to tell her. She needed to know for multiple reasons. One of them being that if something bad happened, and she found out that I knew and never told her that could throw a serious monkey wrench in our relationship.

What I told her was that her sister has leukemia, that she's undergoing treatments and that she didn't want you to know, because she didn't want to wreck what you were doing. That way she knows that her sister is ill, but that her sister doesn't want her to worry and quit what she's doing. So, she was devasted, but she's glad that she found out. She talked to her mom and that's a good thing. The last couple of weeks at her workshop are really taking there toll on her, she's sick of the drama and wants to come home. She's actually started a blog, to talk about her experiences there, as well as promote her writing career. :)

Her sister is doing better, she had some rough days last week, with vomiting and hiccups. With her blood count so low, she has no clotting factors or an immune system so something so simple as hiccups can be a serious problem. But as far as I know, her blood count is steadily rising and the paralysis in her legs is going away. She's a trooper and she's easily going to pull through this, and then we are totally going to Disney World!!!

On the home front, I've pretty much haven't done much in the last week. I haven't worked out, I haven't cleaned much, but I plan to clean the whole place before the wife arrives home. This weekend I didn't do too much, Friday I went out with friends and Saturday and Sunday I stayed at home with the dog, and watched cheesy movies and played around on the computer. Oh I did stop by work for a bit on Saturday, but not to do too much.

The coolest thing I saw this week was there is small field right where I park my car, and one day when I came home from work there was a deer in the field, standing under a tree eating something in the grass. Turns out that the tree he/she was standing under was an apple tree and that apples were falling from it. It was very cool to watch. I'm such a lamer. The dog and I also saw two baby deer with their families last week a couple of times, actually fairly close up the one time. Man I love taking the dog for a walk and seeing the wildlife. The only bad thing is right now it's incredibly hot and humid and it just sucks taking him for a walk during the day, so I make it quick and then take him for a longer walk at night, when it's still uncomfortable but better than during the day.

So the countdown is on, the wife is coming home on Sunday. I survived 5 weeks so far on my own with the dog. I deserve a cookie or something don't I? Plus I really didn't spend a lot of money, she probably out spent me in the last 6 weeks (not surprisingly) which is another plus for me. Anyway, I don't know exactly when she's going to be heading to Vancouver to visit her Mom and sister. I don't think she really wants to pack up and leave right away, plus the flight is relatively expensive because it's in the summer. So, I guess we'll have to wait to see whats going to happen.

Huge Dilema

So, here I sit my evening shattered.

I just received a call from my wifes mother. It turns out that my wifes sister has been diagnosed with AML or Acute Myeloid Leukemia. Well, she was diagnosed on the 21 and started treatments immediately. She has wanted to tell my wife and didn't want to get me involved, but she's totally devastated. This is her youngest child, and nobody wishes for this to happen.

The sister doesn't want anyone to tell my wife because she knows that she's in this workshop, a once in a lifetime opportunity and even if she finds out there is nothing that she could do, other than be there for moral support.

If I told my wife, she would be devasted and it would probably ruin her last two weeks at the workshop, but if I don't tell her then am I robbing her of knowing? Her sister doesn't want her to know, she doesn't want to destroy her opportunity.

So what do I do? Do I tell my wife, devastate her and ruin her last two weeks at the workshop. Or even worse, have her leave the workshop early? Or do I not tell her and wait until she gets back, and if I do that, am I a bastard?

I have no idea what to do, I think I'm in the position of I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. If I do, then I'll be making her life miserable and if I don't then I'll be keeping something from her.

What do I do?

Welcome to Dumpsville...

Well the weekend is over and it's back to work, back to work, work, work, work, work.

I had a pretty good weekend, I went out on Friday night, and Saturday night. Hung with friends, played games and watch Fantastic Four. It wasn't a great movie, it was alright, but not Fantastic. I haven't talked to the wife since Thursday, so maybe I should give her a call tonight.

The most exciting events of the weekend took place on Sunday, where I was walking the dog I got to see two baby deer bounding through the field. Very cool.

But the most exciting event was when I was walking the dog around 11:00 last night, which I usually do most evenings. His final walk before bed, plus I usually take him for a pretty good walk because during the day it's pretty hot and he get's overheated fairly quickly. So, we're walking along minding our own business when we notice a couple chatting by their car. Well the girl was in the back seat and the guy was standing beside the car, and I'm sure I heard her cry and sniffle a bit.

Now this couple I've seen around the complex quite a bit in the last month or so, not too mention that they were having very regular, very loud, very exciting sex. Note to readers, if you don't want people to hear you having sex and you live in an apartment complex, close your window, if you don't care, let others enjoy. Depending on how well your complex is built closing your windows will help muffle the sounds a little. Anyway, they were fairly happy and constantly giggly and just plain lusting after each other.

I'll be honest, I was a little jealous, I would love for my relationship to be happy, giggly and to have us both lusting after each other, but things change and I understand that. I'm starting to understand a lot of things. Anyway, I'm continuing to digress.

So, there they were chatting by her car, and I couldn't over hear what was being said, but I would occasionally pick up a sob. At this point, I was sure he must be breaking up with her. If her pet had died, or parent/grandparent/close friend etc. had died or any number of numerous sad events that could take place in a persons life had occurred, they would have just conversed in his apartment. But they talked outside for a long time, must have been an hour. I didn't stay that long outside with the dog, but I could sort of see them from my apartment and I continued to watch. I felt bad for her, I had no idea, what had happened or why they were breaking up, but I'm pretty sure it was him breaking up with her. That seemed to make the most sense under the circumstances. They are both young (college age) so breaking up is not that uncommon, but I still felt bad for her.

Although I couldn't hear what was going on, I could only imagine, that she didn't understand, why he was breaking up with her. What did she do? Could she change his mind? I bet that she begged and pleaded her love for him, and he just said something lame and she continued to cry and to beg and continued to not understand. Her heart had been unknowingly broken.

Now I don't know that those are the circumstances that took place, but I could guess, only because I've been there. Not on the recieving side, but I had to be the one to break a long relationship and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Everything else I've ever done in my life was simple, compared to breaking the heart of someone that loves and trusts you. It had to be done, but that didn't make it any easier. I was the asshole, that made up the lame excuses, while she cried and begged and pleaded. Not knowing why I was causing her such pain. I was the ass who did what had to be done, or did it?

You see I was in a relationship with someone for 8 years. Almost entirely throughout my University and Graduate degrees. At no point could I ever see myself married to this person, yet I stayed in the relationship, because it was easy, it was comfortable. She was unstable, she would have emotional breakdowns on a regular basis, she would obsese over the strangest littlest things, until she would cry and worry and stress over things so small, so minute. Four years in I broke up with her, it was hard, she cried and begged and pleaded, but for almost two months I was single and free. She would keep calling, and I would keep feeling guilty and then I made the one of the biggest mistakes of my life, I went back. It was so easy to go back, so comfortable. Much easier than moving forward alone and another three years went by and I finished grad school, and I didn't want to move on yet.

I don't know what it was that was keeping me there. Was it laziness, lack of motivation. I don't know the cause, but I finished grad school and I decided to T.A for the next year. I only had a couple of sections in the first semester, so I was actually making less money than when I was a grad student, which let me tell you is not a lot of money. But, I lucked out. One of the lab assitants injured themselves badly and wouldn't be able to return to work until the next semester. I took over her duties and suddenly I was starting to make some real money. Well relatively speaking going from $1500 Canadian a month to $4000 was rather significant. The next semester I started bringing in 5000K a month.

It was only luck though, each semester I would have to luck out to get the right number of sessions to keep the pay up and that depended on funding, how many grad students, and how many other lifelong T.A's there were. I need to move on, I needed to find work in my field. I didn't want to be the 50 year old T.A. that all the grad students make fun of.

But, I knew that if I moved on I would probably have to move to the states and I knew that my girlfriend at the time wouldn't move if I didn't marry her. I knew that I couldn't marry her and I knew that moving so far away from her family would destroy her. She couldn't handle it, I knew that she wouldn't be able to.

So I broke up with her, and I broke her heart and I made her cry and I made her hate me. I tried to cut contact from her because I knew that I was weak and that I could be emotionally blackmailed. I was the ass that broke a young womens heart, I hope that things are going well for her. I hope that she finds/found someone that can love her as much as she loved me. I regret causing her so much pain, I should have left the first time and stayed gone, it would have been much easier on everyone. I was a coward, but I have learned from my mistakes. Or at least I hope I have.

Almost the Weekend!

Well it's Friday! Yay!

Tonight I'm going over to a friends place for dinner and it should be fun, but as for the rest of my weekend, well it's up in the air. I think on Sunday I'll spend the day with the dog, we'll hang, we'll eat unhealty food, it will be great!

I talked to my wife yesterday. Things seem to be going fairly well and she's learning tons. I asked her if she's glad she went to the workshop and if she feels that she has a chance of becoming published. She of course was 100% glad that she attended the workshop because she's learning tons about the industry and her writing and what she needs to do. As it turns out, each author has a 1 on 1 with the students several times over the course of their week there. During that time the author reads all of their work and tells them what's good, whats bad, what you need and how you're improving. She beamed with a certain sort of confidence on the phone and definately thought that she has a real shot and being published. Things seem to be going fairly well for her. Apparently she's going to be turning me into her biggest critic, so that she can constantly improve herself. My problem is I'm far to easily pleased, so that will be interesting.

When she gets back she's probably going to be starting a blog, and talking about her experiences at the workshop. Most likely about the Big Brother like drama that occured in the house, as well as her journey to becoming a writer. Of course she has no idea that I blog here, so hmmm...

Hopefully she doesn't find some hunky writer and run off with him leaving me and the dog alone. :(

Anyway, this week sucked. Work sucked, mainly because things aren't working for me in the lab. It's kind of funny how Chemistry works. One week things are good, one week things are bad. It's all part of the job!

Right now I'm really hungry, but I didn't bring any lunch (grrrrowl). There might be some leftovers from yesterdays free lunch, but I'll have to wait until 12 until I can even find out.

So what's everyone else up to this weekend? Hmmm?

Has it been that long already?

Man how time flys!

I can't believe it's been over a week since I last updated. I guess I was pretty busy at work and outside of work. I wish I had something really exciting to report, but I got nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The wife has now been away for just over three weeks and I only hear from her every couple of days. She seems to be having lots of ups and downs. I think right now she's having one of those down periods. Apparently she is learning a lot and that after the first instructor (who sucked the big one apparently) the other two have been fantastic. She has discovered what her stories are missing and maybe that will bring her that much closer to publishing material. Apparently she's received comments from two of the authors that she shows promise.

Things there are apparently very surreal, 13 people all living in the same house, there pretty much all the time, having to interact with people all the time. People are starting to get on each others nerves and the whole thing is very Big Brotherish. Now all they need are some cameras. :) Throw in the fact that most of them think they are the shit, and they are now just realizing for the first time that maybe they're not the shit. It's a very humbling experience. Anyway, I hope she gets out of it what she needs, focuses on the learning and leaves the drama behind her (crossing fingers).

So, now less than three weeks to go, woohooo, only two weeks and 6 days. :)

So now that I've been given the opportunity to reflect on things while she's away what have I learned:

• I'm a slob, I don't like picking up after myself, and without someone there to tell me to do it I'm most likely just going to leave it. Although I did do some tidying up this weekend, nothing major, but I did do a little tidying up. I did laundry but I have a huge pile that needs to be folded.
• I miss doing things with her, even if those things are just sitting on the couch watching cheesy movies on Sci-Fi on the weekend, or going for a drive, or going to work out.
• I really need that extra motivation to go work out. It's so much easier to do when there are two of you involved. You keep pulling for each other. But because she's away and I leave the dog at home all day while I'm at work. I feel guilty for leaving him alone while I go work out and again if I go out with friends.
• I miss all the little things, the phone calls during the day while I'm at work, going home and being able to talk to someone other than the dog. Soon I'll become one of those crazy people that talks to their animals like their a person. Ooops already there.
• I have a horrible diet. My diet while she's away is just attrocious, but that stems from the fact that I really don't feel like cooking for myself. So, I just make things that are quick or microwavable or that I can pick up. I have gone to a few barbeques, and dinners at friends so I mean I'm not fast-fooding it every day. I mean I even made lunches last week for three of the 5 days so that's not too bad right? Now, she does the cooking, but it's not like I go to work and I come home to a home cooked meal. I go to work then I come home and we cook the meal. She does most of the cooking but I help as much as possible, plus I always do the dishes afterwords.

The whole experience is kind of strange. For the last three years we have done everything together, almost every day. There were only a few days here or there that we were apart and those were because I was on an interview in a different city. There are advantages and disadvantages to having all this free time. Without someone there I don't have to worry about what they are thinking, feeling, or what they want to do. I can do whatever I want, within reason. I've been pretty good about not spending too much money while she's away. But on the other hand, with someone there, you always have someone to do something with.

Well there you have it, rambling from a lonely man, without a clue.